I did not write today. Well…nothing but this blog post at least.
I did read however, and I managed to jot down a few ideas that trickled through the distractions littering my brain.
And…I philosophied a bit. (A dangerous but common practice for people of randomness).
Did I have an epiphany? No. Did I force myself to see one of my weaknesses? Yes.
And it sucked.
This is what I concluded about my recent struggle with PWWD (Pretty Weather Writing Disorder).
I am allowing distraction because I am at an utter loss with my WIP.
There. I said it. And yes…it hurt.
Failure is not something I accept well, and unfortunately for me, I am an all or none person. I’m either giving 150% or 0%. And…even worse…I see minor setbacks as failure…thus I revert toward that 0% mark…which is what has been happening lately.
I avoid what I have to do because I am not certain what “what I have to do” is.
This has to change for me to successfully complete this novel and I know it and again…it sucks.
Because I don’t know if I can do it.
I like challenges…I love competition against another person or entity…but competition with myself? Against my own weaknesses and vulnerabilities? Against my own doubts?
This is where I don’t do so good.
I worry that no matter how many times I rewrite or revise, my own work will never be good enough to ME.
I AM MY OWN WORST CRITIC.
I second guess every decision…and when every letter and every space in a 90,000 word novel is a decision, that can be trying…to say the very least.
I decided to blog about it because this blog is therapeutic for me…it’s a place to think out loud…a necessity for me because I need the accountability that comes with telling the world what is happening on my journey.
And unfortunately…I’ve hit a bump in the road.
But…I don’t plan on giving up. I may be delayed right now, the path may not be clear, but I’m not turning around and giving up. I will trudge forward…it may be slow…it may be painful…but I have to do this for me.
My philosophying also led me to this revelation…
Writers: We are not at war with words, but with ourselves. Self-doubt is an evil thing that can crawl inside your heart and rob you of a dream. Don’t give in.